those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
