Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
