Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
