I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
