Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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