Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
