Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
