my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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