I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
