Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
