my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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