accomplished twins. life is a go
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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