I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
