in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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