at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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