I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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