You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
