I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
