Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
