I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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