Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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