she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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