I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
