I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
