If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
