I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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