Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Reggie can tackle my bush.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
