I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
