I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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