Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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