At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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