are you still at the devil's house?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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