she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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