I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
