it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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