I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
