ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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