Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
