Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
