I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
