I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize