I CAN MOONWALK!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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