i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
barbara walters just said penis...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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