i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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