Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
