Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
