So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
