If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
