In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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