i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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