I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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