So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i need some magic done to my vagina
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
