remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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