There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
