i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
