WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
