Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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