rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
