If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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