So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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