Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
