just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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