She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
