Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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