You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
